PIERS MORGAN: And the Duke and Duchess of Sussex ‘Wokie’ award for most hypocritical, virtue-signalling public figures of the year goes to… Meghan and Harry!
Least surprising news of the world’s most surprising year is that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex are launching a rival to the Queen’s honors list.
In fact, I’m only shocked it’s taken so long for Meghan and Harry to make it clear that receiving a mere knighthood from Her Majesty is nowhere near as important as having an approving tap on the shoulder from them.
The couple has filed court documents to trademark their new awards scheme which will be run by the Archewell foundation, the charity they set up in their son’s name to protect his privacy.
And they’ve stipulated that they will be honoring individuals and organizations that they feel have championed their own values in areas including Charitable service, Education, Science, Literature, Racial Justice, Gender equity, Environmental stewardship, Youth empowerment, Health and Mental Health.
Meghan and Harry haven’t announced the title of their soon-to-be-coveted honors yet, so in the interim, I will dub them the ‘Wokies’ in recognition of their ultra-woke view of the world.
And it doesn’t take a genius to work out who the winners of the ‘Wokies’ will be – it will be people like the Sussexes themselves who in their own minds are the living, breathing personification of perfect personal virtue, unimpeachable moral probity and consistent ethical purity, even if they often practice the complete opposite of what they preach.
Doubtless the first ‘Wokies’ will be a glitzy star-studded Hollywood ball where vegan food will be served by non-binary waiting staff wearing environmentally friendly suits made of hemp and bamboo, to a bunch of virtuous celebrities who’ve arrived there by gas-guzzling private jets and limos.
As for who might win, I’ve got my Mystic Morgan crystal ball out to get a sneak preview of Meghan and Harry’s perfect champions.
Here then are the inaugural winners of their ‘Wokies’:
1) The Kim Kardashian Award for Privacy, named in honor of the reality star who once declared with a straight face after she started dating Kanye West: ‘My boyfriend has taught me a lot about privacy. I’m realizing everyone doesn’t need to know everything. I’m shifting my priorities’ Of course, ever since that statement she has continued blathering on about every single intimate detail of their relationship, as has he. WINNER: Meghan and Harry, who since their relationship went public have spent the entire time attacking media intrusion into their lives and demanding privacy, whilst simultaneously invading their own privacy on an almost daily basis with endless media announcements and videos from their $11 million Californian mansion lecturing us all about equality.
2) The Professor Stephen Hawking Award for Groundbreaking Work in the World of Scientific Research. WINNER: Prince Harry, for revealing last week that if we all pretend to be a raindrop, we can save the planet. ‘Every single raindrop that falls from the sky relieves the parched ground,’ he announced via his latest hostage film from Santa Barbara. ‘What if every single one of us was a raindrop, and if every single one of us cared?’ Given that Harry has 16 bathrooms at his new home, requiring 70 million drops of water to fill all the baths, he could of course just show us how much HE cares by redirecting it all to the parched ground.
3) The Leonardo Di Caprio ‘don’t do as I do about climate change, do as I say!’ Award for Environmental Endeavor, named after the actor who once used six private jets in six weeks but in an Oscars acceptance speech lambasted ‘big polluters’. WINNER: Meghan and Harry, for constantly preaching about the need for all of us to watch our carbon footprint, whilst simultaneously hopping on private planes belonging to George Clooney, Sir Elton John and bank firm JP Morgan.Advertisement
4) The Mother Teresa Award for Selfless Devotion to Tackling Abject Poverty. WINNER: Meghan and Harry, who tweeted about the urgent need for all of us to remember the poor on the same day Meghan was enjoying a $500,000 baby shower in New York with a bunch of celebrity mates.
5) The Victoria and David Beckham award for Secretly Colluding With Photographers Whilst Publicly Berating Them. WINNER: Meghan and Harry, who took time off from firing off lawsuits against paparazzi to hire a celebrity snapper to accompany them to a military cemetery in Los Angeles on Remembrance Day to make sure we all knew all about their very private visit to pay their respects.
6) The Princess Diana Award for Literature, given to recognize outstanding work in the field of pretending you have nothing to do with a book everyone knows you co-operated with, as Diana did with Andrew Morton’s bombshell tome Diana: Her True Story. WINNER: Meghan and Harry, who insisted they did not help the authors of the preposterously named recent book about them, Finding Freedom, until they were forced to admit in legal papers that they did.
7) The Jussie Smollett Award for Fake Racial Injustice, named after the Empire actor who staged a racist attack on himself to get public sympathy. WINNER: Meghan Markle, who likes to fuel the entirely false narrative that it was the racist British press which drove her out of the country – not her desire to escape dreary royal duty on wet Wednesdays in Stoke and go back home to permanent sunshine and a lucrative celebrity lifestyle – without ever producing any actual evidence to support this theory.
8) The Shirley Temple Youth Empowerment Award for spending an entire childhood on camera. WINNER: Archie Mountbatten-Windsor, whose parents refused to even release details of his birth in their supposedly fervent desire to ‘protect his privacy’ yet who now release regular home videos of him to the world to show us all what great parents they are.